my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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