My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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