Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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