man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
