I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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