FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
