Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
