Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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