I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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