sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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