It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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