i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
