There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
