cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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