There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
