I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
