We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
