My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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