Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
