LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
We smell like vodka and hangover
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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