1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
wow bdsm is so cute
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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