Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
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