No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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