I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
