So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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