Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
