I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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