I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
