My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize