at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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