I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
