so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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