I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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