please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize