All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
