this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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