my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
