I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
