I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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