toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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