I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
