I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I wish i was in the wii world.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
