Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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