The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
