I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
