you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
