My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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