Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
