you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
