I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I think a kid would responsible me up
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize