I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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