my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
