I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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