at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
