So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
