dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
