I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
