he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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