I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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