I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
i think i just lost a toe
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
