You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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