pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
