I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
