are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
