Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
