i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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