i just sent this text using only my big toe
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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